Openness is such a challenging concept to master in any relationship. Our natural tendency is to be consumed with self! That means we see life and situations through the biased lens of our individual worldview. It often takes discipline and patience to begin to decide to force ourselves to be open to embracing the heart of another........ When we are open we allow ourselves to experience feelings and perspectives contrary to our own. Openness allows a person to consider the other side, to accept that there is an alternate view and to then change or adjust behavior based on the new knowledge bought to our attention. Openness allows us to be determined in becoming one with another person. At times openness allows us to consider the other person more highly than we do the quest of "being right," or "being comfortable." Openness causes restriction to take a back seat because limitations are few as the heart seeks to embrace and accept........... Take this picture above for example......... He didn't want to be open with again taking annual pictures for the holiday but he decided to be open and in the process he began enjoying himself.  This is just a simple example of openness but in many of our relationships it can really get a lot more complicated. No matter how complicated the issue becomes, having the ability to be open can definitely enhance a couples' chances of weathering any storm of conflict. If we remember that we are a team and that we are on the same side, all barriers can be erased as we aim to create harmony and peace in our relationship.  After all, who wants a war zone in their house all the time??!! So let's aim to be open with each other in 2018! Its January and the perfect time to try some new behavior. Be open this year! Even if you don't like doing a particular activity but you know that your partner does....be committed to trying it. If you feel emotionally stuck in your relationship, be open and attempt to listen to the heart of your mate without judging, fussing or complaining. Ask yourself why is it so important to get your way this time? Is there any emotional baggage driving your refusal to be open to your partner? What will being open do to enhance your relationship? Is there an opportunity for greater emotional intimacy if you decide to be open? Always remember that for any conflict it "takes two to tango." If one or both persons decide to resist the urge to fight and instead be open, it greatly increases the chances of resolving the matter with minimal damage to both partners.  Believe it or not, words can and do hurt so choose wisely this year and reflect greater levels of openness with each other! Happy loving! 

​First you have to realize that you may be the “wrong” person too! Lol Never be so arrogant that you think that you have it all together while your partner is the one with all the issues. If you think that blaming the other person will improve your marriage, it won’t! This is the last thing that you want to do! Realize that both of you are contributing to what’s wrong. Get over yourself, take ownership for your part and spend a little time and energy focusing on what you can do differently…… Become the spouse that you want your partner to be. Is there any way that you can respond differently to your partner’s imperfections? Can you humble yourself long enough to listen? Not just to his or her words but also to his or her heart…….. Do you recognize that you are a little different than what he or she expected? Do you admit that life can often times throw you curve balls that it may take a minute for either of you to get up from? Can you admit that you too are becoming the “wrong” person for your marriage?
Secondly, commit to creating change! This is perhaps the hardest thing to do when you are not “feeling” it. Realize that effort has to go into making your marriage work….. Think about some of the things that you wish could be different. Ask yourself, how can I contribute to our change? Is there anything that I could do differently to help us move in the right direction?  If you can’t think of anything, you have already given up! Realize that if you have given up, there is almost nothing that can help you to see things differently. You forfeit your right to hope when you give up. You cripple yourself by feeling like you are “stuck” in a horrible marriage. However you have to realize that this is a marriage you both created. You at some point sacrificed your oneness by failing to see yourself as a team. You have to figure out how to empower yourself again, how to dream again, how to feel again that this man or woman is good enough for you to change and worthy enough for you to be patient with. I bet that’s how you managed to walk down the aisle to this imperfect being……You dared to dream. You looked past the imperfections and believed enough that you were willing to “leap!” Forget about what he or she is not doing……… Start doing whatever you want to see differently in your relationship. If there is not enough romance, begin planning some nights that will be difficult to remember. If there is no communication, initiate some scheduled times to talk. If you feel disconnected, schedule some intentional moments to connect. Help to change whatever is not working. Instead of tearing down, build up by changing your perspective and game plan.
Thirdly, keep distractions to a minimum by cutting off anyone or anything that steals any piece of your heart that should belong to your spouse. There are so many things and people that remove our attention from our mate. What is it for you? What prevents you from having the patience to work on your marriage? What is distracting you so much that it leaves you taking that person for granted? What monopolizes your free time? What are you throwing yourself into so much that it almost irritates you when your spouse asks for a bit of your time? It is a bit difficult to admit when you have been yielding parts of yourself to another person, hobby, or thing. However the reality is that it can easily happen. Especially when you feel as if expectations have not been met. It is so much easier to run away and retreat emotionally into that habit, career or other relationship. So just stop it. Don’t overthink it. Don’t rationalize why you are justified in being distracted. Just stop it. Turn your affections, time, and attention back to your spouse. Of course this doesn’t mean you need to give up everything but it does mean give up anything that is distracting you. Be balanced as a person with friendships, hobbies, and career goals but know when you are using these things to avoid the empty feelings inside stemming from your unhappy relationship. At some point you will have to deal with your marriage. Stop putting it off.
Lastly, create your plan for growth and take one step at a time. If you don’t have a plan or vision for your marriage, you will never move forward. You have to decide what you want and think about what steps you need to take to get there. To accomplish anything in life, you have to have a plan. Of course you are not limited to that first draft. You can alter your plan and steps as often as you would like. Just move forward. Don’t sit there waiting on change to happen when you own some of the responsibility to move your marriage forward. Either you become committed to your plan or you allow someone else’s plan to overwhelm you because it takes you in a direction that you do not want to go in. What is your step one? What needs to happen first? What can you focus on and work on initially?  What small thing will begin moving you in the right direction? I know it may feel silly but go ahead and write out your plan step by step then Go For It!

Many of us wait a lifetime to hear those three sacred words………… “I Love You!” Saying “I love you,” is quite easy to do, however acting out those three words is what stumps many of us. Too often the words come out of our mouths but the actions stay locked up somewhere inside struggling to get out, struggling to get ourselves out of the way realizing that true love sacrifices, serves, and satisfies. Tina Turner once asked, “What’s love got to do with it?” I say it has everything to do with how long your relationship lasts, and how good your love is because real love says, in spite of our temporary feelings, we will continue to act in a loving way as long as it takes………… We have to be intentional about our love lives just as intentional as we are in going after whatever we want in life. Taking care of ourselves and our relationships takes effort and discipline but as with anything else great worth having, the hard work does eventually pay off if the end result is a whole, healthy, happy marital relationship! So let’s look at 5 ways to say “I Love You,” through our actions.

1.       Remember what drew you to him or her in the first place! Can you remember the first time you saw each other? What were you thinking and feeling? Did you feel like you would do whatever it took to get their attention and keep it? Was it in the way that they smiled? The tone of their voice? Their charm? Their sexiness? What was it that you remember got your attention? Having the ability to remember and even meditate on that remembrance can often be the catalyst to igniting that hidden fire. Buried beneath the issues you have gotten through is still the man or woman who first caught your eye and eventually your heart!

2.       Resist the urge to blame. Blaming each other easily kills a relationship. Try to stay open to seeing both of your contributions to the state of your relationship. Refuse to blame the other person for the way that you behave or act. Of course we respond to each other out of hurt or pain at times but does it benefit either of you to insist that it is always someone else’s fault? Be responsible for what you do and allow the other person to see themselves without always having a finger pointing in their face.

3.       Recognize when communication needs to improve. Screaming and yelling never accomplishes anything. Neither does stonewalling. Don’t hold your partner emotionally hostage to your control. Communicate even when you feel the urge to pout and not talk. Withdrawal often keeps the other person in bondage to your control, unable to resolve an issue until you feel like talking. That’s not right. It’s unfair. Only give yourself time out to let anger subside but once it does, deal with the issue. If you are challenged in communicating, be willing to change a little in order for each of you to be heard and UNDERSTOOD! If you don’t understand, ask, ask, and ask again………….but be nice in your asking. Don’t belittle your lover.

4.       Release old hurts and past mistakes. This is very hard to do when we are offended but it is the only way to move on. In any great relationship, there will be some level of offence or hurt but you have to be willing to release yourself and your partner. If not you become glued to the past, unable to see your future together. Only look back to learn and to know what not to do next time but don’t look to long! Keep walking ahead.

5.       Restore passion and intimacy. There is no excuse for lack of intimacy in a loving relationship. Every girl wants to be held and feel secure while being cherished and every man wants to know that he has captured his wife’s heart and can securely hold and protect her. If the flame has dwindled, find out where the holes are and plug them up immediately before someone comes along and fulfills his or her needs. Never leave your partner hanging sexually or emotionally. Your anger is not an excuse to withhold yourself from each other. Get over yourself and be busy about demonstrating your love! Happy loving!

How common is it for people  to step outside of the comfort and security of their committed relationships and  enter into a whirlwind of lies and deceit finding comfort in the arms of  another?  The statistics are  actually discouraging and make you wonder if there is even a chance that your  marriage will survive the ugly cancer of extramarital affairs……….. According to  some, “everybody cheats!” It appears to be very easy for some of us to fill our  emotional and physical needs with someone other than our spouses? 
 
Even though we know it may be wrong, how easy  is it to let go of these precarious relationships before we cross the line into  the danger zone?  Is it easy to  back away once our heart carries us in a direction that we never expected it to?  In a culture where we are taught to just do what “feels right to you”, it is so  easy to miss the truth of infidelity……… So what is this truth about infidelity? 
 
The  truth is that affairs can happen to anybody and willpower alone is  not an adequate defense. Prevention is often our biggest weapon.  According to the Journal of Marital and Family  Therapy 74% of men and 68% of women said that they would have an affair if they knew they would not get caught. ( http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/ )  57% of men and 54% of women admitted to infidelity. I am sure that the  statistics are actually higher due to the unlikeliness of people to actually  admit to having an affair……………

When I first began my  journey of working with couples, I was a little naïve.  Of course I knew that affairs happened, I just never expected the scope  of the problem to be so wide. I quickly realized how many people never even  expected to step outside of their marriage but as life went on, emotional  connections with outside people eventually led to intimate connections climaxing into  infidelity.  Of course there are  some who like to cheat and who actually look for opportunities to break their marital commitment, but there are still vast numbers of individuals who find  themselves in a situation they would have never dreamed of. They didn't look for the opportunity, it just happened!
 
So is there a way to  affair-proof your marriage? Maybe………… or maybe not because we have no control  over free-will. However I think the answer begins with the idea that we are all  susceptible to making the wrong choices given the “right” set of circumstances.  In essence it begins with “guarding” our hearts. Since it can
happen to anybody, the act of humbling ourselves to realize that we can all  “fall” goes a long way in developing a resistance to cheating on your mate.   Once we embrace this truth, we can  then create a fortress around our  marriages.


Here are four simple steps  to begin creating your fortress:

   
1. Keep the lines of communication open……………Talk  openly and honestly with your spouse. Secrecy often leads to disaster…… If you  are struggling with feeling connected to your mate, tell them and come up with
  solutions together to increase your intimacy and spark your passion for each  other. There will be times when things get stale……so it’s on you to spruce  things up a bit and it’s on you to  communicate.

    
2. Take time to really study and learn your mate…………… What worked for you all years or even months ago may not work  today. Seasons change and people grow. Desires change and habits change so we  have to be sensitive to the evolution of our mate.

        
3. Know that it’s not all about you…………… The  essence of a marriage is oneness which can take a lifetime to achieve. In order to adequately become one, there will be moments when you have to cater to your  spouse in spite of what you really want at the time. That doesn’t make you weak, it makes you wise because the idea is to get your mate to connect. If both of  you are working on the connection, oneness is inevitable. Oneness leaves less  time for either of you to stray.

     
4. Maintain healthy boundaries……………..Know when your heart is being satisfied by another. When another man or woman starts  occupying your thought life, it may be a good time to put up some boundaries.  You may not be able to talk as often as you used to…….. You may have to quit  having lunch together or chatting online. You may have to make the tough  decision of completely letting go………….

These steps seem easy,  however most of us take these steps for granted and we fail to put in the work  required in maintaining a healthy and satisfying marriage.   For some of us, it took work to capture the other person’s eye, so it  will take even more work to keep their eyes focused on you for an  eternity!

There used to be a time when  I thought that falling in love was as simple as just “falling……” LOL!!!!!  However I have come to realize that  love actually becomes a choice  because we have the free will to choose to give in to the feeling buried beneath  every opportunity to connect to the heart of another. So if for the sake of   conversation you follow me into this whole idea of “choosing” to love, what  happens to the fairy tale……………Is there such a phenomenon as love at first   sight? Is there one person out there for each of us, our soul mate? And is it   possible that we missed it when we walked away from a certain relationship or   were rejected by that one we felt was “ The ONE?” Do some of us just settle for    second best? Should we fight for the fairy tale? Are there ever  any  true fairy tale endings? And what actually constitutes a fairy tale  ending……..lol!

Lots of questions…….lots of   answers…….but I think the fairy tales can be created. I also think that many of
us have it backwards, we think that love just happens and can never be created……  I think that fairy tales can happen after a strong and deliberate choice is made  and I would also argue that there will be times when the choice is not very easy  because there will be times when we should choose to  love and other times that in spite of our strong feelings we should  choose not to love!  


Choosing to love comes quite   easily and naturally for most of us. We engage a person of interest and we   pursue them. We share with them our lives and we receive from them parts of  their lives. We begin and continue in the process of intimacy and we open  ourselves up to be loved and to love. We somehow begin to think we “fall” into  love, but do we really? Is it possible to back up once we begin falling……. I  think so. I think that if we find out that we have been betrayed by their  actions or even by our very own hearts that we should have the strength and will   to back up. And this back up is what creates the CHOICE to love. Have you ever  found love, and then have had to walk away? Have you ever experienced the pain  of choosing to move on in spite of your passionate feelings? Smile……….. Welcome  to Life!


 Sometimes  your decision to back up has absolutely nothing to do with what they did or did  not do but it has everything to do with WHO you are and who you are choosing  to become! Your seemingly at first soul mate may not be the person who lines up   with your future goals and values. What if they are married, or what if they have seriously opposing religious values, or what if they differ in their values  in raising children, or they cause you to stumble and do things that you know  offend your God? Do you then just embrace your feelings and not remain true to   yourself? Do you continue “falling” in love at the expense of truth? Do you  ignore the red flags and warning signs all for the sake of the “fairy tale”  feelings? Does it make more sense to back up, choose to move on and choose to   love another? I believe that the choice  to love is a very healthy concept indeed because we have to protect and  guard our hearts. We have to be human and not mere robots swayed to and fro by  our fickle emotions, habits, and thoughts. As we all know, our hearts are liable  to go anywhere we let them go. Feelings can come out of left field and thoughts   can dramatically change our feelings. If love was meant to just be something we  fall into, then we would not be so easily influenced and broken when the ones we  love let us down………. We have to choose to forgive and choose to stay and repair  the breach or the fault. We have to choose to allow passion back in the door and  choose to engage in the process of reconciliation.


Don’t choose to stay if you  don’t want to, but don’t move on thinking that somewhere, somehow you missed the  “Fairy tale” relationship. Your fairy tale may be around the corner and it may  not look like you thought it would look. It may have to be created. It may take   some effort on your part to grow and change with your lover. It may look like   the best friend you ever had who doesn’t have that mysterious charm you always   wanted. It may look like the person you think you don’t deserve so you never   make the choice to pursue your true desires and ask them out. It may look like   the person who makes less money than you or the person who may not remember   your favorite color the first few years in…………. BUT as you grow and as you   respond to the love being offered to you, you will realize that you are in the   midst of a fairy tale and your fairy tale has not ended, it transcends and   endures and evolves into complete ecstasy one day at a time! And you control
  how you respond and engage in this process of love, so do you choose to love or not love today……….that is
my question?

Yesterday was one of the  most exhausting days I have had in a while.  Lately my schedule has been screaming to  have more hours in a day!  So after  getting the kids down for the night, I literally sat on the edge of my bed  staring straight ahead as if I was in a trance. I didn’t know what to do next  because I had such a long list…….lol! Then, all of a sudden my husband walked
around the side of the bed with a small towel in his hand and a sly look on his  face. As he came a little closer I saw something I had not seen in a while……..a  bottle of scented rubbing oil! My Pumpkin then placed the towel beneath my feet  and sat beside me about to engage in an act that I so enjoyed when we were
dating and early into our marriage. Now it’s one thing to massage the feet of  the woman whose heart you are trying to win but it’s another to continue to rub  her feet as the years pass by. Knowing that he himself was  very tired, this simple foot massage became a labor of love, so my heart melted  at his first touch. He scored enough brownie points to last the entire year!  Lol……


 

According to Dr. Gary  Chapman’s idea on love languages Norman began speaking two of mine……”quality
time” and an“act of service.”  Housed in this foot rub was a quiet  demonstration of his love for me. I embraced and received this subtle act of  romance knowing that it took the sacrifice of time and effort. The effort was
intimately rooted in his humility in that he placed my tiredness above his own.  What a way to send positive energy to your mate! Who would have thought that  such an act could change the atmosphere? Smile……… 
 
Oftentimes in relationships  we fail to take the time to speak to one another in the appropriate love  language. We end up speaking Chinese  while our spouse understands  French! There are times when we know our partner’s language but we just  choose to speak our own language  because it’s easier or because it takes too much effort to speak in our mate’s  language. Sometimes the languages are the same but the dialect is different.  (ie. both of your languages are quality time but one of you likes quality time   at home and the other prefers it out and about in public places) Sometimes in  our selfishness we just flat out refuse to change our behavior for the sake of  the relationship because our own needs are what matters most. What we have to
remember is that marriage is about “oneness.” How can we continue to make this   oneness happen throughout the life of our relationship? Initially we have to   care enough to learn and demonstrate the language of love your partner uniquely   desires. Then we have to be consistent about sharing our spouse’s language on a
  regular basis. Thirdly we have to be willing to communicate to each other what   our respective languages are and fourth we have to be willing to compromise our   languages for the sake of moving towards “oneness” in our relationship.  Many think you say “I do,” once in a  lifetime, I think you say it throughout the life of your marriage. I think you   say “I do,”every single time you choose to serve your partner in loving  acts!

Many of us take for granted that two people in love and married
can and do enjoy years of good marital sex.   However, this is not always the case. In fact, in many marriages, there are  seasons when true satisfaction just does not “happen.”It’s my opinion that
fulfilling intimacy can be created, ignited, provoked…………once the stage is set,  once the atmosphere is created. You don’t have to be stuck in a cycle of failing to be satisfied.  As long as there
is breath in your body, there is hope.

There is always room for  your relationship to grow even in the area of sexual intimacy. As believers we
should submit even this area of our lives to our Master. We don’t have to try  the shoe on to see if it fits before we commit to it or take a test drive  before making our purchase…….We should look to God to bless this most
vulnerable part of our lives. My challenge for you today is that in order for   your degree of sexual satisfaction to increase, you have to begin changing your  level of expectation. You have to be willing to do something different by not  just imagining magic but by “creating” it…….creating a hunger and desire in   yourself and your partner! So here are a few simple steps to start moving in  the right direction.

 1. Create a SAFE  environment – Never allow your partner to ever feel like they are competing with  your past relationships or experiences. Your partner should never feel like they  do not measure up to “something.” Safe environments in relationships always  allow partners to feel protected emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Cut  ties to old flings, pornography, other sexual addictions, etc. because any door  that is not securely closed can easily reopen causing a whole lot of pain in your current relationship.  
 
2. Create a LOVING environment – Intentionally allow yourself to engage in acts of  loving interaction. In order to do this you have to know your partner’s love  language. If your spouse responds to “quality time”, all the expensive gifts in the world will fail to fill her intimacy bucket. Your communication of your love  sadly falls on deaf ears. Discover what does it for your lover. Is it acts of  service, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch or gifts? If he  thrives on words of affirmation, begin gaining his attention by mentioning how  good he is in whatever area. Leave little notes around the house or text him  filling his love tank. Be quick with using your words to build up as opposed to  tearing down. 
 
3. Create a PEACEFUL environment – Never allow your home to be anything less than a  peaceful haven that your spouse wants to run home to. Peaceful environments  allow each of you to thrive on the harmony that exists between you. Anyone would grow weary of tension, fussing, criticism, and fighting. Hold your tongue and  treat your spouse with the compassion they deserve. Never allow your mate to  feel as if they are your emotional of physical punching bag. I can’t think of  anyone who would want to share their body with a tyrant. Softness bring even the toughest soldier to his knees…………..
 
4. Create an OPEN  environment – Always allow times for honest and open communication. In order for  this to truly happen, you have to be willing to accept criticism and move  forward without getting bent out of shape. You also have to be willing to give  criticism without tearing down the spirit of your mate. There is a way to say
things in a very positive way. It is very important to first make a compliment  before launching into the negative aspects of the relationship. When the  atmosphere is not open, many things remain unsaid and frustration gets buried  beneath subtle acts of sarcasm. This sarcasm can eventually become anger. Open  communication also allows for honest dialogue about what is and what’s not  working in the bedroom.
 
 These steps merely  act as catalysts to igniting the internal fire resulting in outward passion. Your partner deserves  your attention in the area of intimacy. Remember that intimacy starts long  before the bedroom. Take care of yourself because your partner desires someone  pleasing to the eye emotionally and  physically…………..Enjoy!

Is it possible that you had buried unmet needs, hurt feelings, unexpressed expectations in a sea of neglect. Could it be possible that you neglected your sacred role as communicator with your spouse? Could you have taken it for granted that he or she knew or could read your mind, understanding exactly what would bring you pleasure or pain? This neglect could have created a wedge or barrier between you and your spouse.

And what if all it took was for some additional weight of misunderstanding to finally make the beam crack creating a rush of feelings that needed to be expressed right then, in urgency, manifested as ANGER! You see, often times what could take us 5 minutes to say eventually comes out in fits of anger taking a much longer time to release. It would have taken you five minutes to explain that you are tired of seeing the trash not being taken out or the kitchen counter not being cleared off, or even that you want to spend some quality time together tonight but instead it now took you several minutes of tongue lashing, and character bashing, and lip pouting because several behaviors have built up communicating the idea that he or she does not care about your feelings.

I would venture to say that 7 times out of 10, your spouse does care but they probably did not realize what they were communicating through their actions or lack thereof. Your lack of communication allowed them to be oblivious to the fact that you were hurting. They assumed that everything was ok because you did not clarify your position. You simply could have said “I don’t like that.” You could have decided to speak instead of remaining silent wondering if they even noticed your “silent treatment.” One of the beautiful values of covenant relationship is that, “ it takes two to tango.” It’s not just an agreement you have to be together, it’s an attitude of servanthood that you have become “One.” And oneness always demonstrates strength! I want a strong marriage, how about you?